Log in

PUBLIC POST for would-be adds.

 Do not add this journal, it is inactive, I refuse to check it, I am not here!
I keep it around for personal records & in time it will be deleted.

tumblr / flickr.

 I seem to have lost the habit of blogging, which kinda sucks, & I seem unable or perhaps just uninterested in picking up the habit again.

I just started a tumblr, if you'd like to follow, leave me yours & I will probably follow you back.  Or if you have flickr, that's one I play around on too sometimes.


 I seriously have not felt like posting lately.  & I have not been reading much here as of late, either.  So I am going to take a hiatus from livejournal for a while.  I will be back, as I cannot go forever without chronicling my life [somewhere, I still have a closet full of notebooks from my younger days], but for now, I just wanna live, & save the reflection for when my heart is truly in it.

I started this journal when I was alone.  I am not alone anymore.  & that includes on here.  I have found some great people with whom I have bonded.  This journal has been great catharsis for me & I am amazed at the ride I have taken in the 7 months since I began love_is_colder.

Just letting y'all know it's not the end.  

Alright, have a good one, my friends.  =)



 So the classes I am going to be taking will be:  Introduction to Art, Basic Drawing, Color Theory, & Conditioning/Preparation for Dance.  Not at the college I previously thought [I will NOT be going to the beach that is long] but instead at the college of comparatively wealthy kids with tattoos.  So Cali natives may know what city I am talking about.  It is the school where the financial aid was granted me, so that's why it's there.  Otherwise, I would have preferred someplace in L.A. County, where the fuck ups thrive.

However, I have not *officially* signed up for the classes, as I am still not allowed to do so until tomorrow.  I am hoping that there is room for me in all of them, or else I will have to rearrange that whole damn schedule again.

I must keep mentally boosting myself!  I have this terrible habit of feeling so small in comparison to my goals.  I need to cultivate that inner awesomeness that I know I hold inside.

It's just that I am one of these people who barely made it through high school.  I was in Special Ed.  Not for the mentally slow kids, but for the emotionally fucked kids.  I was a troubled, intellectual loner.  I taught myself by devouring books, but at the same time, cut myself in the bathrooms, did graffiti on the walls, & sucked Marlboro Reds like cock.  I was never as bad as some kids were.  I wasn't in a gang & I was not [usually] violent.  However, I barely stayed alive, & gave no shit about the future because I didn't think I had one, & didn't really care either.  People could recognize me but nobody talked to me.

Some odd years later, the thought of continuing steadily in one direction still seems bizarre to me.  I will always be somewhat wayward.  These younger people who try to be so damn "mature" by mapping out their entire lives [as if they have no time left] fucking irritate the shit outta me.  My input?  Go on a road trip.  Go clubbing.  Find what it means to be destroyed, then put yourself back together again.  Get a war story - it's the only way you will ever be interesting.

That's why I left college in the 1st place.  Too many people who wanted to stick to the safe route, who wanted to live life vicariously through textbooks.  Well, I have already been on those dangerous routes.  Multiple times.  Time for something safe now, because most of my 9 lives have been used up.

& that is why I am going back.



 A - Act your age?  I have an old soul, but the heart of a teenager.  I used to be younger & more mature than my peers. But now, I am the one telling everyone to stop trying to be so damn mature.
B - Born on what day of the week?  Who keeps track of this shit?
C - Chore you hate?  Hate cleaning.  Especially sorting through the back of the closet.  Who knows what lurks there.  *shudder*
D - Dad's name?  Unimportant.
E - Essential makeup item?  Eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, some foundation/concealer.  I am usually very light on the makeup.
F - Favorite actor/actress?  Juliette Lewis, Gene Wilder, the guy who plays Kramer...  Not big on celebrities.
G - Gold or silver?  Silver.
H - Hometown?  The stuck-up OC.
I - Instruments you play?  Keys/Synth.  Used to play guitar & will probably get back to it someday.  But primarily I am an electronic musician.  I use Logic Pro, one of the "easier" programs to write music in.
J - Job title?  *sigh*
K - Kids?  I have no children.  I used to loathe the idea of children, but now I am more open to it.  I certainly do not wish to procreate simply to succumb to the raw instinctual urge to procreate.  But life takes you strange places sometimes.
L - Living arrangements? Unimportant.
M - Mum's name?  Unimportant.
N - Nude?  Nudity is good.  Especially mine.
O - Overnight hospital stays?  Not since I was 15.  I was hospitalized quite a few times in both the hospitals & the E.R.  Never again!
P - Phobia?  Nothing that overrules me.  But I hate most people.
Q - Quote you like?  All the best people are crazy.
R - Religious affiliation?  HATE religion.  Don't hate religious people [except for the pushy ones with the psychotic, glazed over look in their eyes] but I think most religion is for idiots who cannot think for themselves about how to run their own lives.  Afraid to take responsibility for their own lives so they place it in God's hands.  Yeah.  Good luck with that.
S - Siblings? Unimportant.
T - Time you wake up?  I am a night-owl.
U - Unique habit?  I shower, THEN work out/run [my sweat smells & feels good].
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat?  I love vegetables.  But I won't eat garlic or onion before I go out anywhere, for the sake of my breath.
W - Worst habit?  Overanalysis.  Neuroses.  All that good shit.  I don't count profanity.  I rather respect the word 'fuck'.
X - X-rays you've had?  For my wisdom teeth.
Y - Yummy food you make?  Pizza, antipasto salad, potato salad.  I cook well, but people don't like all the vegetables I use.
Z - Zodiac Sign?  Gemini.  Missed Taurus by 2 hours.  So, I am both stubborn & unpredictable.  In other words, effectively screwed.  I don't believe in anything 100%, but simply because you cannot prove it true does not mean you can prove it false.

Yes, I am still alive.

& this guy walks across America?

FUCK, that rules.

Don't tell me he wore Converse shoes the entire time...



 I know what made me so lethargic last night, & what gave me all those strange dreams when I finally did get to sleep at 5am.  It was the half cup of white wine I had!  My body is very sensitive to alcohol, & I haven't drank in months.

That's it!  I am never drinking liquor again.  No more than a sip of wine every few months, at most.

mac sucks.

 I honestly want to give up on the Logic software & my Mac in general.  I may be a "musician", but by no means am I a computer whiz.

People, don't ever get a fucking Mac, even if you are a musician!  I hear that Pro-tools on a PC is good to work with.  Unfortunately, I don't have a choice.

If I look at this situation from an objective stance, the music software I have now is probably fully capable of doing the job.  It is professional equipment.  Rather, it is most likely ME that is the problem here.

This realization is both comforting & worrying.


to-do list

 Time to sort out my thoughts.  

There is a super long list of shit I need to get done, & on this list, nothing is really that difficult.  & yet everything remains undone.  What is on the list?  Well, here, have a look if you want:

1] SUCCESSFULLY hook my keyboard up to my mac so I can compose & record some aspect of my songs on an instrument other than my computer software.

2] Make an appointment for the Mac store, go to the appointment, then have them figure out why, ever since my version update, I can no longer access certain sites.

3] SUCCESSFULLY hook up my new [old] sewing machine, & actually make use of it.

4] I need to call up the technical support number that came with my software.  & I personally fucking HATE calling technical support.  It's pure hell for me.

5] Make sure I am not on the "automatic renewal" for the dating site, because although the site has been fun, I have had my fill for a while.

6] Drop 10 pounds before I need to drop more.  This can be achieved by running 4x a week & being more vigilant about the gym.  I need to work my abs more as well.

7] FInd a tattoo artist to finish my right sleeve.

8] Have a night in Los Angeles where I just take photographs of the cityscape.

9] Get myself some better running shoes.

That is all what I should be doing.  But what have I been spending my time on instead?

1] Seeing Andrew, making him laugh, making him cry, & confusing the fuck out of myself.

2] Photography & photomontage.  Which is a lovely & creative pursuit, but time-consuming all the same.

3] Watching my DVD's.

4] Searching the Internet for reasons as to why my songs are so quiet when exported to itunes, as opposed to just doing the quick & efficient thing, which is calling technical support, the wonderful team of people who, in general, piss me the wholly fuck off.

5] Cooking & eating.

* * * * * 

So it is not like I have been COMPLETELY wasting my time.  It is just that a few rather nagging unappealing tasks have built up & I have been procrastinating.  I just feel drained, for reasons I can blog about at another time.  I think some part of me feels stressed by this list because it seems like there is supposed to be a correct "order" to get those tasks done in, when in truth each task is not really any more important than the next, & the important thing is just GETTING it done, getting ANY of it done...  Because one task scratched off is better than none.

So fuck this, I am tired of procrastinating.  I am calling the Mac Store tomorrow. 


So am I tired of the field yet?

Andrew, the "sports guy", is so sweet & generous.  We joke around & have a good time, & I haven't made any promises to him.  I like his company, but I don't see it going anywhere serious.  As soon as I told him that, he teared up.  This is the 2nd time I have seen him teary because of my "rejection".  He doesn't understand why I don't have feelings for him.  He thought it was because of my past shit.  I thought about it, & told him, it's not really because of my past shit.  The fact is that he doesn't seem sensitive, & I cannot have feelings for a guy who is not sensitive.  He goes deeper than I thought, but still doesn't seem to go as deep as I do.  Then again, I guess I cannot assume.  Also, I told Andrew that he is just not good at expressing himself verbally.  I told him, to be honest, he is pretty fucking bad at it.

& he still wants more time.  He insists he is sensitive, & can be better at communicating.

I am in good shape, but definitely not a sports girl.  I am a completely new type for him, & him for me.  He is about what I expected so far.  As far as his opinion goes...  I think since meeting me he has discovered that he has a thing for girls who are...  horses of a different color.  He is so calm, so steady, has the complete golfer personality...  while I don't, to say the least.  I get so excited & happy about a bowl of cereal when I am hungry, but if I hear that a little animal has been wounded, I will fucking cry...  I deeply feel the power of the ocean, the full moon, the night.  I love to play my keyboard at 2 am & song-write in the dark, alone.  Andrew is not like that, but likes it in me.  He likes our differences.  Differences can be very alluring.

I admit, he can be very passionate in his feelings.  I was taken aback that he was crying after I told him how I honestly feel at this point.  I haven't even known him for a month yet.  I was trying to be gentle about it.  But something about him just doesn't quite capture the passion in me.  I feel like I am stringing him along.  But to be honest, if I am stringing him along, he doesn't mind it.  He is begging for it.

I told him that he & I are both very heart-oriented people.  But he needs to not get his heart involved so quickly...  I told him as gently as I could that he is going to get himself really hurt if he keeps using his heart 1st instead of his mind...  I told him there is a way to use the mind to protect the heart.  

I am still figuring that out as I go along.  & I am quite amazed I have done as well as I have...